Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in sexyfiddle's LiveJournal:

Friday, August 6th, 2004
12:02 am	In somewhat better spirits today. Nothing out of the ordinary, other than we finally got our choir director and viola teacher, who actually remembered me from WAY back. This is big, bad, busy guy who seems to have some professional gig every single day and plays with millions of musicians weekly, actually remembered a very nondescript, marginally talented Ryan from 1996-98 in the Bowling Green orchestra, that he maybe played in a total of 3 times a year. I was touched. Work was the same. Tomorrow, I shall figure out this registration business, get my classes, see how much I owe after scholarship, and practice like a Mo-Fo. Today was much better. I'm ready for school to start. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
10:53 pm	Friday night, nothing was going well. An exhausting night at work, mindless data entry, which frees the brain to contemplate other things, i.e. 'do I really earn money this way?'. As I went about my journey home I almost had a wreck reaching into the back seat to find a tape, any tape, other than the 52 that occupy the passenger seat. I shall be the last person in America without a cd player in his car. Anyway, what do I find, but the Bangles Different Light cassette, circa mid-80s. And damn, if I didn't know every word to every song on the way home. It's funny what will make you feel better in the weirdest of times. God Bless 3rd grade nostalgia. Everything seems to be moving too fast right now, and as usual, I'm moving too slow. So much to get done in the next few weeks and I'm starting to freak out. I don't even know if it matters. I don't even know if I have real friends anymore, or what I want to do with myself. All I know is the more I try to take control of myself, the lonelier I seem to be. I don't think anybody understands me, but who says they have to? I'm feeling much more confident in music these days, but find myself wanting to do less and less of it with other people. Just to be alone in a hall for a few hours would probably prove most therapeutic. I'm thinking I can actually lose weight this time too. I want to play next summer. I miss softball. I miss playing. I miss associating with the softball folk who are a world different from people I'm typically around. I'm really missing my old friends right now. People from college, I don't care to really talk to now, but miss how we used to be. So many people glamorize their relationships with others. I know, I used to. Claiming my friends in college were all blood brothers and soul sisters. It's bullshit. It's never like that. What I did have however, was a family. We hardly got along most of the time, and that's how I could tell we were a family. No more than 3 of us could hang out on any given night because someone was always bitter at someone else, but if your ass was on the line, you knew they'd be there. We were hardly even a group of friends. More like single representatives of other groups who all happened to subscribe to same brand of religion consisting of celebrating one's dorkiness, coffee houses, and making fun of the Elite. I love all of them. They'd be happy to hear from me if I called them, as they always are when I call. But they never call me. That kind of sucks. I had dinner with Jessica on Saturday at Bahama Breeze. The wait sucked, the food was awesome, but not as much as having to wait and getting to talk to her for an hour. Maybe I need more of that. I miss people. I miss not being super gay, or using drugs, or being a club kid, or a health nut, or a politically charged activist, and having that be okay with all of those kinds of people I knew. I miss being not so grown up as to act like one's parents when people are at your house, but being mature enough to relax and not feel the need to impress, kiss ass, or worry if people think you're funny. I'm 26. I'm grateful for so many things I have. I'm not very happy these days and I don't know why. In the meantime, I'm going to survive by staying busy. I'll practice, piss off metro Louisville with my incessant pleas to play community orchestra, organize the new place, eat cheesecake and drink my orange Mt. Dew. But for now, I can't stop crying. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 29th, 2004
11:43 pm	What is my orchestra's deal with Tchaikowsky? Enough all ready. Tomorrow I shall once again play recruiter man. Yay. New place looks dumb with nothing on the walls, but I'm too tired to put anything up. Bah. Today was stupid. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
4:15 pm	more on those unfortunates who are born in late June-July General behavior: Cancer (the crab) is one of the most difficult zodiac signs to understand. Cancerians can have many different personalities. Most Cancerians like to be at their home, and enjoy large families. You seem unsociable to some people, but you enjoy chatting and gossiping as much as anyone else. You tend to day-dream very often and can be found in a state of fantasy. You enjoy art, writing, and drama, but acting may not be a good career for you because of your tendency to Overact. Cancer is the sign most likely to believe in the zodiac, as well as other psychic happenings. You make a loyal friend and also very patriotic. However, your mood swings and self doubt can often get in the way of enjoying yourself. Romantic behavior: You tend to form relationships quickly and get sentimental about your love partners. Although you tend to go in for love affairs aplenty, you always feel dissatisfied; so does your partner if he/she can't understand you well. Important Information on Cancerians Good career choices for you are: Journalist Nurse Politician Housekeeper Chef Real-Estate-Broker Gardener Cancerians (ironically) are prone to cancer as well as poor eyesight. Your ruling planet: Moon. The crab is associated with Cancer. Your lucky color: silver. Your lucky gemstone: pearl. Your lucky numbers : 4 and 6. (Comment on this)
4:07 pm	I'm bored with nothing to do, so looking up random stuff, I tried to see how compatible Brian and I are as far as generic online astrology goes. Interesting stuff (me-cancer/Brian-Capricorn). Cancer and Capricorn are 180 degrees in opposition from each other astrologically speaking, but it need not be true in life. Both signs have plenty in common. The cancer's great sympathy and understanding is honey to the Capricorn's misunderstood complaints. Both have a tendency to plod along until they get what they want. Capricorn has the ability to make cancer's dream come true, while cancer is happy wishing for and wanting the success and security that the Capricorn mate strives for. The elements of water and earth go well together but these are zodiac opposites you can expect both side of the coin. You'll have to take the good with the bad and there will be plenty of both. Capricorn lacks the warmth and sentiment that cancer requires, (and I DO REQUIRE :-) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
3:42 pm	Moving and working 2 jobs and taking music lessons all at the same time is not highly recommended. Brian's totally here, but I'm taking my sweet time to move to the new place. I don't think there's going to be enough room. This weekend, we're doing volunteer dog stuff, cleaning up the park and going to something for the Humane Society. Maybe get a new puppy! That would be fun. He gave me the new special edition dvd of A League of their Own. I love that movie, and the special features are kinda cool. I bought new books yesterday so hopefully, I won't be nearly as bored at work from now on. Despite my attempt to lighten things up, I opted for the whole nazi-serial killer subject matter. I need to lighten up. Literally. I think the weight watching needs to start soon. I can't wear half of my clothes now and definitely can't fit into a tux, which is bad, since I'm probably going to end up playing twice as much this year as I usually do. I'm all ready booked up for December weekends. My parents aren't going to like that, missing holidays and all. Oh well, I need the money. So I should start tracking my progress here, since it's all laid out, time and date and such. Otherwise, I'm ready for school and orchestra to start. I think this is going to be a good school year, although a busy one. We'll see. Today, I'm still 5'9" and weighing 220 lbs. WOO HOO. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 23rd, 2004
1:36 pm	Hades ?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla (Comment on this)
12:10 pm	www.jibjab.com (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
12:02 pm	I love playing the cello. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
1:40 pm	Friggin Weather My night off from work each week is rarely fun, but at least it's never boring. Such was the case again last night during the hurricane. We found out yesterday afternoon that there would be a time & place for campus activities to meet with new students at the orientation, the next day (Today). So Ken and I began busting our respective humps to get materials together, make posters, and get all of our recruiting stuff in order. I sit around and complain all the time about never getting to go out, meet prospective students, etc, and then it always happens, but usually with only about 24 hours notice. Nevertheless, we hauled ass and got everything done last night, which was fine, since we weren't going to leave in the hurricane anyway. Finally leave around 11pm only to find there is no power at home AND my car was hit by falling branches. Nothing major, but dented my trunk and messed up one of the doors. Then, looking down the street, it appears that not so much as one stray leaf even touched the rest of the street, and yet my car looks like it just shat wood everywhere. God is definitely punishing me. So we stayed at Ken's parents last night since they were out of town, only to get up a couple of hours later to go to this orientation thing. Ken's posters were really cool looking. I think the lack of sleep made me the "fun guy" there. Talking to everyone else manning their own booths and yacking with students. They actually talked to me, and I talked back. I must say I was quite the representative, which is weird considering my painfully shy syndrome which keeps me in fear of drive thrus, the pizza man, and most people in general. I could so do this kind of thing for real. Had very positive conversations with a few flute players, couple of trumpets, about 20 actors/theatre people, and even a violinist-it's about time. Anyway, sucky night but productive morning. Still tons to do around here, and yet I'm signing a lease with Brian on Friday. I keep forgetting to make time for this moving business. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 13th, 2004
5:54 pm	I had taco bell earlier and am now paying the price. Yum. Today was a fun music day. Although I normally complain about the music people I'm surrounded by, I was all in it today. First some (long overdue) fiddle practice then cello class. We started shifting and vibrating today. We're totally out of control, the world should beware. Then sorted through chamber music to move from the adjunct office to the string studio. What fun! And who knew we had so much string music here. I wish we had enough people at this school to do ensembles :-(. Still trying to think of how to increase audiences for our shows. Must have good ensembles, which draw audience, which makes money, and therefore, puts the Ogre Center in their place. Why would anyone come to a small university show? I must give them a convincing reason. String music is where it's at. It was fun laying on the floor with my teacher today, going through all of that stuff. Last night at work, I listened to the Mendelssohn Octet twice. I can't wait to start working on the next string camp and start recruiting for the orchestra here. I'm such a nerd. Brian's not going to like living with me this year. But the dog will, that's good enough. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 12th, 2004
10:04 am	10 am, bored all ready Directions: Now, here's what you're supposed to do...and do not spoil the fun. Copy (not forward) this entire mail and paste it into a new mail that you will send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of neat facts about those who know you. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you. PS: To those who don't know how to copy and paste. Just highlight this whole page by holding your mouse down over the words, right click on the blue or black and select copy. Start a new mail and click "paste" 1. What time is it:9:56am 2. Name: Ryan 3. Name as it appears on birth certificate: Ryan Girvin Woodward 4. Nickname: 5. Number of candles on your last birthday cake: 2 6. Pets : 1 dog, Benny 7. # of Body Piercing: 9 in the ears 8. Eye color: Brown 9. Favorite Alcoholic drink: Amaretto Sour 10. Current Residence: Moving from house in New Albany, to apt in Louisville 11. Been to Africa? No 12. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yeah 13. Been in a car crash? yes 14. Croutons or bacon bits? bacon bits 15. Favorite day of the week: Tuesday 16. Favorite word or phrase: Your Mom, Thank the Maker 17. Favorite Restaurant(s): my precious Arby's and my precious Wendy's, Tumbleweed 18. Favorite flower: Daisy 19. Favorite sport: Softball & Hockey 20. Favorite drink: Orange Mt. Dew 21. Favorite Ice cream: Mint Chocolate Chip (must be green) 22. Disney or Warner Bros: Disney 23. Favorite fast food restaurant: again, my precious Arby's or Wendy's 24. What color is your bedroom carpet: tan 25. How many times did you fail your drivers test: never 26. Before this one, whom did you get your last e-mail from: Brian 27. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card: Gardenridge or Best Buy 28. What do you do most often when you are bored: get online and fill out dumb surveys 30. Bedtime: usually around 1am 31. Who will respond to this email the quickest? nobody 32. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond?: your mom 33. Favorite food: Italian 34. Last person you went out to dinner with: Kenny 35. Ford or Chevy: ? 36. Car or SUV: Car 37. Favorite smell: Rain 38. Time you finished this e-mail: 10:01am (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 11th, 2004
10:26 pm	blah blah I just can't help myself when it comes to this music office business. I'm positive I'm driving everyone crazy with my incessant pleas to attend performances and to be on the lookout for potential community ensemble members. I could totally do something like this as a career. Sit around, think of new ideas for performances, and recruit students for a university. I think the music business is again the right track, but now I wish I would've stuck it out at Western and finished up PR. Played a wedding this weekend, turned out okay. I kind of miss small ensemble, kind of don't. It's hard to keep something like that going. What I would love to get into a small chamber group, 15 strings or so. We've talked about it at school, but it's going to have to wait until bigger projects are cleared up. I so need a new fiddle and still hope to have one before the season starts. Playing other instruments has opened my eyes this summer. I would love to get some more performance experience on viola and eventually on cello. They're trying to steal me away, but I think it's good to keep things interesting. I need to practice violin a lot more than I do. That's what's paying for school, can't ignore it. Can't wait to see the remake of Manchurian Candidate. By all accounts, Meryl Streep will be "taking it betwixt the eyes" in this one. The Village looks interesting too. The previews remind me of the Bell Witch books I read last year. Still gotta get down to the cave and check that stuff out. Must lose weight too. There are vanity issues involved there, but I"m far past that. As of late, I can barely fit into a majority of my clothes. THat sucks. And if I'm to have any chance of playing softball again or taking up something new, it's just going to have to happen. I'm all about new things lately. I don't know if that's inspired by recent events or has secretly been there this whole time. Who knew such enrichment would begin at 26. I like not knowing what the rest of my life is going to be like all ready. I'm sure it works for some, but things will only get better and more interesting on this end. If only I didn't have to work! I dont' mind working, I like money, and sometimes the monotonous routine of the bank is a nice counter-balance to the music stuff. However, this job just isn't working out, hours, low pay, etc. I should look for something else around school or at least closer to the new apt. Obtaining the necessary schedule for what I have to do is going to be a chore though. We'll see. I'm excited about this coming year. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 8th, 2004
4:28 pm	Music Office work can drive one batty, but I love it so. MUST FIND String Players for Orchestra and Male Singers for Choir. What to do? Where to go? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
1:27 pm	better times I now find myself in much better spirits that the slower part of summer has arrived. Recently obtained 3 cds from school, our final spring show, summer pops show, and summer string clinic for high school musicians. I'm pleased with the orchestra's progress as it is much better than when I joined nearly 4 years ago. However, I'm immediately frustrated when looking back on this past season's rehearsals, as the string sections, particularly my own, are constantly put down and made to feel they are the only section in need of improvement, when listening to the recordings, the strings pull through and the fault lies in the other sections. No amount of talking about it will lift this injustice, so my summer goal of recruiting and creating a stronger orchestra becomes paramount. In the meantime, cello lessons are keeping music fresh and exciting for me. Money is an issue...do I study cello or viola in the fall? Moving in a matter of weeks, I'm both nervous and excited. I'm lucky to be with someone I can actually talk to and who even considers my opinion for a fraction of a second (quite a new experience). I feel bad for the recent bitchiness on both sides, but I'm casting it off as normal frustrations. I think my life will change for the better with this move, just new locations, different people, different things to do. If you consider Southern Indiana as a suburb of Louisville, I'm merely moving across town, however it feels like I'm moving far away. I just hope things get set into place before the fall, that's when I will be busy. My friend just had a baby, I totally forgot she was pregnant again. I think she's going to turn out just fine. We're all growing up, it's scary, but I think this is where I've always wanted to be. I'm pretty happy, today at least. Perhaps a more stable home environment will lead to being more social, more aware of what there is to do, and what people in my life are doing. I've felt bad recently for not remembering birthdays, etc. and for some of the ties I cut off from old friends. Almost to the point of wanting to rekindle some kind of relationship, but that could open up old and new cans of worms. I shall think about it. I wonder if there are batting cages on the east side. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
11:40 am	Dumb, Stupid Life I find myself now regressing into the whiney, bitchy Ryan that existed circa 1997-2000. I'm bitter as all hell, for some good reasons, for some ridiculous ones as well. Things are really not that bad, and yet, I'm holding onto some resentment as though it were Wonka's fifth, and final, golden ticket. Last week at work, I had a million things going through my head, as any proof operator would. Processing the checks, listening to my cds, thinking about school, music, friends, and Joyce. I spent the next twenty minutes in a reverie about finding Joyce after work and throwing rocks at her, watching her try to run away as I continue to shower her with rocks. I still hate her. From there it went to the job right in front of me. I am the champion of boring office work for anyone in college. It certainly pays more and you're better off than waiting tables or working retail. However, I'm not 19 anymore, the fact that I'm on the eve of my "late twenties" made the whole scene quite sad. So there was step 2, to be in a bitter, hateful mood, one must have a healthy dose of self-hatred. Then I thought of music as I was knee deep in the music camp I started, and how conflicting the whole thing is for me. I can't even comment on professional musicians as I have before, as this week clearly showed me that some can be cool and generous, while others remain the music-centered, ego driven assholes that I've long had a problem with. The camp itself was cool. A huge success, talented kids who had fun, seeing my own teacher excel in her field (tear), and even getting to coach a sectional of six young fiddlers when the faculty was busy doing other things. Everything was great, and despite the many unnecessary hardships, I loved the months of organization. This is why I'm doing a music business concentration. But dealing musicians however, makes me want to look at other degree programs sometimes. This has become a nasty situation over the past few months in the orchestra I play in. Severe attitude problems from the amateur ranks of Kentuckiana. Perhaps if they knew about the camp alone, they would lighten up. So you show up every week and play a decent flute, or violin or whatever. I originated an idea of a strings only camp. Pitched it to the music faculty. Found a way to make it happen. And 10 months after we started talking about it, the conductor was giving the downbeat for the first rehearsal of some of the most talented young string players in the area. Two years I worked on a softball league for Louisville that ultimately failed. In my estimation, the music camp project was a much more difficult one to bring to fruition, and yet, I/we did it. I wonder how many of those bastards in my ensemble ever started their own music camp, were able to bring in such a fine faculty and conductor and have it be as successful as it was. Would they even care? No, because such a thing doesn't fit into their need to feel better than everybody else. First, I don't believe I'm any less of a musician because I don't want to be a virtuoso. I play hard and I play well. I am talented and yet that's not good enough for a select few who think it's their place to judge my whole existence on what I do on Tuesday nights. Second, I can't understand a person who allows music to consume their entire life. True, we're all freaks and geeks for what we do, but I don't see the pleasure in limiting one's self to that whole life. Even professionals should have an out. These people who allow music to substitute for friends, love, softball, and cheesecake ultimately have no identity. They are slaves to the love of their craft, which is fine, just don't expect me to be the same way or to do everything exactly as they do. I get from music what I want, and when the show is over, I have other things I'd rather go home to than a house, lover, friends, dog, or hobbies that are all music related. Perhaps I'm in the wrong field. Maybe I should chuck it all to become a softball coach, or devout my energies to holocaust studies, criminal behavior, or politics. Any of those fields would probably find me in more well rounded company than that of snotty amateur musicians who use community orchestra as an avenue of their so called superiority. But no, when have I ever kept my mouth shut. I'm entitled to what I want. The problem is I'm stuck there for a few more years. Until I graduate, they'll just have to deal. I have a lot to offer so many people. If they don't choose to understand, acknowledge, and/or appreciate it then they should piss off. For now, I need to find a place, get Brian moved down here, and see what new and exciting things all of that will open up. I'm 26 in a couple of weeks, time for a new a chapter. Anyone who doesn't want to stick around and see what cool things can come from that, I feel sorry for them. I'm worth it. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 17th, 2004
11:46 pm	la la la I doubt this will be a useful tool for sorting anything out, but I'm taking a break from writing theatre papers and it seemed like a good idea at the time. (1 Comment |Comment on this)